"Millions" of Complications

Once again, I used the film "Millions" in one of my classes. Although I've seen this film numerous times, today it had a strong personal effect.

During the ending of this fabulous film, there is a scene between a young boy and his deceased mother. (Don't ask...just view the movie!) The mother tells him that she's okay and not to worry about her. He wants to know if she's a saint...and she tells him that she is because he is her miracle. (Again, view the movie...) She also tells him not to worry about her, but that it's okay to miss her. Then she talks about the boy's father's new girlfriend. She says something like..."You know how complicated the money is? Sometimes people are even more complicated than that." The little boy understands. Amazing. She also tells him to be kind to his brother, and that although it seems that he's okay with her death, he probably isn't. He's hiding it.

(Those of you who know me will understand when I mention that the new girlfriend's name in the film is ironic to me personally. Funny, that.)

This scene made me cry today. I mean it....I bawled in my car on the way home because it'll soon be one year since my mom's gone onward on her journey and I don't think I've grieved properly. Somehow it seems as if she's on vacation and she'll be back sometime soon.

After my crying-in-the-car routine, I felt better. I made some progress in my grief dilemma. I also raided the trick or treat bowl and learned more about myself.

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Happy Halloween! For those who want to know...Elena is a witch with the coolest witch hat of purple and black with black feathers. The hat also has a veil with spiders embroidered on it. Her friends are meeting at our house this evening to begin their trick or treating gig. Tony is Darth Vader...again...but with a new costume that has lights on his chest that blink. Emma is a forest fairy and cute as can be. Her father told her that forest fairies skip and off she skipped to school. The crossing guard was quite amused. Yes, I'll be trooping around with the younger two this evening. I'll leave the bowl of Tootsie Rolls on the step, so stop by if you want any. BOO!

Mischief Night

Mischief Night, the night before Halloween Night, is an important adolescent rite of passage in coal country. First, not everybody participates in the actual mischief, so don't get all righteously indignant on me just yet. Kids used to soap car windows, mostly. Some of the tougher kids smashed pumpkins or pelted empty buildings with rocks. I didn't see an actual toilet-papered tree until I attended college in the Lehigh Valley. I did hear of some kids putting potatoes in exhaust pipes or sugar in gas tanks....maybe it was more legend than fact at the time. In the old days, I've heard that many outhouses got tipped or moved to weird places.

Here in Berks County, I've noted that some kids smash car windshields, drive on lawns, throw eggs or corn, and of course, smash pumpkins. At times, tires are slashed or guns shot in the air. Spray paint is used often...along with vulgar language.Once in a while, somebody will take a for sale sign from a house for sale and put it in front of a house not for sale.

Many of these acts do come under my definition of vandalism. I'm hoping that this year's pranksters don't do any damage or hurt anyone. I'd like to see some kind of new tradition started on Mishchief Night....maybe we could call it Do-gooders Night. Round up the Merry Pranksters and have them help at the soup kitchen or food pantry, or visit lonely people or animal shelters.

Sounds too corny for you? Sounds too "safe" for our little rebels? Too Goody Two Shoes? Maybe...but what is more dangerous than a desperate soul? What is more dangerous than a person who doesn't care about others? What is more dangerous than a person who thinks somebody else will take care of "it"?

I dunno.

Launch

Yesterday, Tony and I hooked up a DSL and created an e-mail account for Tony's parents. I'm thrilled for them and hope that they jump right in there and have some fun.
They have taken baby steps by getting a computer and printer and learning how to use them. Now the whole world is out there for them to explore. I am proud of them for learning something new.

Everybody needs to learn something new. It keeps you sharp. It makes you less afraid.

We are watching a new show on TLC. Well, actually, we're Tivoing it. It's called "The Monastery" and airs on Sunday nights at 10 p.m. After watching the premier episode, we are highly interested in seeing what happens next.

It's kind of like a reality show, and kind of not....Five guys go to a Benedictine Monastery in the desert of Northern New Mexico to live with thirty monks for forty days. These guys are interesting...one is a recovering alcoholic addict, one an Iraq veteran with a prosthesis and an attitude, another a paramedic, fourth one a former Satanist now an Episcopalian, and finally, an ex-con turned counselor. I might have this wrong, but of the five it seems that three were Catholic at one time or another, one has no religious background, and another wants to become an Episcopalian priest.

The premise of the show is to see who influences whom more. The monks are NOT there to convert these guys, but to help them find a way in their lives.

It's not easy...They pray seven or eight times a day, getting up at 3:40 a.m. Silence is required in the refectory, the halls, and the chapel. Their rooms are really "cells" which means no visitors. Work is part of their daily routines as well. All of this occurs in a place with breathtaking scenery.

I admire the men...all of them. The thirty monks who live this way, not for a week or forty days or even a year or two, but for their lifetimes. I admire the five guys who are attempting to explore their reason for existence, too. Their courage at leaving their lives behind for more than a month astounds me. This incredible journey is not like the usual reality show trainwreck-waiting-to-happen that we have come to expect. I'm waiting for God to work in their lives...or not. I'm watching to see a positive outcome, not who will be voted off next.

Wow....no wonder it's on at 10 p.m. on a cable network. The public is not ready for it, I guess. I wish the participants well...and commend them for attempting to be better people.

Amen.

Changes and Challenges

I am facing a difficult crossroads at the moment. I've been wrestling with my MFA idea and wondering which path to take. Now it seems as if that whole idea is blown out of the water.
An advisor has filled me in on some realistic facts that I have to face. Creative Writing spots in universities are coveted positions, carefully guarded. One must have MANY published pieces in addition to the degree. The positions are not readily available, even with the number of people interested in such writing. Hmmmm....If I do get an MFA, I should work on it with the notion that I'm doing it for myself.
Deep breath.
Okay.
I don't leap anymore unless I commit, so this is very big information to me. Today, I am feeling my days as Professor Calderoni are numbered. Why? I am spinning my wheels, with no desire for a PhD. I tire of a system that won't give me a pension or advancement or the comfort of knowing I have a job next year. I told myself all these years that I'm doing it until the youngest child is old enough to go to school all day...well, that time is here.
I have contracts for next semester in my pocket. That's the extent of my obligation now. I'm going to explore my options and continue my writing.
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I wrote an acrostic set of poems around the stages of grief. (See Denial in an earlier post.) Tony and Joanie say that it is dark. I really don't see myself as a poet, but it sure is an effective way of creating a mood or working out strong emotions.
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Football cheerleading is ending, and wrestling is beginning. Tony Mickey had a takedown at his first practice. WAHOO! He weighs the same as last season, but he's much stronger and more flexible...must have been those swim practices. Best of all, he loves to wrestle, and his coach is outstanding. Coach Mike teaches the boys how to wrestle, be a gentleman, win, and lose...all with grace. He's a phenomenal role model of a Catholic man.
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Jar Jar, our Beta fish, went to the big aquarium in the sky last night. Tony and Tony had an official burial in the backyard. Tony3 put blue aquarium stones on the burial site. "Jar Jar was a good fish. He never gave anybody any trouble and he didn't smell." was Tony's eulogy. He even said an Our Father. Oh my.
Tony Mickey and I are thinking about getting Lucky a girl chinchilla to hang out with. Another oh my.
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Lots of thinkin' to do. I hope the Lord guides me to the right path.

Raingutter Regatta Royalty

We had a much needed boost for two of our Tonys last night...well, I guess this story involves all three Tonys! Tonys 2 and 3 worked on a Cub Scout Derby boat for a few evenings this week. They painted and decorated and painted some more and came up with a pirate ship design. Last night, Tonys 1 and 3 attended the Pack meeting and were ready to roll...or should I say float?
Tony's boat's first test came against the members of his den...There was a tricky moment when Gage's boat fell to the side and blocked Tony's boat. Tony simply stopped his portable fan so that Gage's boat wouldn't go over the finish line first. Good thinking, Tony! Tony's happy little pirate boat sailed to first place for his den. Tony 1 said the excitement was great and so much fun. When Tony was winning the races, his Pop-Pop was right there, cheering him on.
Then Tony had to race against the other dens' winners. He progressed to the last race...and he won! He came in first place for the entire pack. Tony 1 said he was thrilled, especially when everybody was yelling "Tony! Tony! Tony!" Come to think of it, I don't think I ever saw the two of them so excited.
I told them that it must have been Green Pepper's Viking ancestry that had an influence on the win. I reasoned this because our Pinewood Derby cars and rockets always seem to lose parts in the midst of the action. Well, I guess the boat followed through a bit because some of its paint came off in the water!
Way to go, Tony, Tony and Tony!

Things Happen

Some years ago, I had a wonderful friend named David. Tall, thin, blond, wildly intelligent, musical, serious. I met him in grad school; we became fast friends after I moved a couple blocks from him in Allentown. He was from a coal region town, called, appropriately enough, Coaldale. He drove an old VW bug.

Things happen. His dad killed himself in their garage with a hose hooked up to a running car. Something about somebody else's money or other such nonsense. David was never the same.

Soon he was living in Wildwood and teaching at Cape May Courthouse. He lived alone for a little while, keeping a bunch of finches in cages in his apartment. Sometimes he kept fish, too, and once showed me dried up seahorse that he retrieved from its tank after its demise.

Things happen. David gave away many of his possessions, some to me. He talked about killing himself. I don't know if my words had any effect on him, living with his little creatures and dangerous thoughts. Afraid for him, I called again a few days later. No answer.

Finally, I got through to a man who David had shared an apartment with and got the bad news that David drove past Reading into Lebanon, where he used to teach, and hanged himself in a friend's garage. The apartment I was living in on Oley Street had old windows that were almost impossible to move. At the exact moment the news came over the phone line, the window I stood nearest to came crashing down with a huge thunk. That's how my heart felt too.

Things happen. Yesterday, my husband's uncle decided to also go this route. 84 years old and despondent, he also hanged himself. This man had everything money could buy and a terrific family who loved him dearly. Last week, at another funeral, he mentioned to his brother that he would be next. Nobody thought he would take his own life.

I watched one of this man's brothers cry last night and heard of another taking it just as badly. My heart is broken again.

Things happen. My cousin, a Vietnam Vet, a multiple Purple Heart winner, chose this route but put a gun to his mouth. A high school aquaintance did the same. A college friend drove into a tree on purpose.

They leave the rest of us behind with survivors' guilt, with broken hearts, with stubborn "whys?" ringing in our heads. I have no answers but observe that sometimes we don't think properly because of stress, medication, illness, despair. I just ask that my friends who read this pray for these folks, and for all who suffer in this manner.

Things happen.

Denial

Damn this twisted pattern of
Endings
Neither here nor there
Isolating my feelings in the
Attic of my heart,
Listless and shaken.

Aunt Agnes

Please keep Tony's Aunt Agnes in your prayers. She went to her heavenly reward on October 4, 2006 after a courageous battle with pancreas cancer.

She is an excellent role model for all of us in that she cared deeply about her family....including her extended family. Her many Christmas ornaments I could expect every Christmas grace our tree. They remind me of her...large personality, shiny, bold, beautiful. Let's just say she was not the wallflower type....

I always looked forward to seeing her, being greeted with a warm smile.

St. Pio looked after her in the days leading up to her death. I have to write about St. Pio's impact on the Calderoni family soon.

God bless us.